part man, part spirit.

this last week has been a struggle for me to focus truly on what matters.  i've watched grades and ideals slip and frankly have gotten very turned around and confused about what i want in life.   my wife loves me so much and it was hurting her to see me so low and discontent about what i was doing with this opportunity of life.  She and i got passed moments that i'm sure could have caused catastophic currents, and we fell into an embrace.  I have a very clear knowledge of the truth that God has put me and my wife in eachothers paths, not only to make life more interesting and fun- but to at times save one another.  This one embrace, though followed up with kisses and ultimately a full unity, was the catalyst for dissintegrating some of the most potent numbness and anger i've experienced in a long time.  I came out of the numbness to actually feel inspired and envigorated on life and the next day to feeling excited about school and what i'm choosing to do with my life.  God and my sweet, sweet hearted wife never let go of me.  I, almost like an upset child leaving the dinner table to go throw some toys around, then returning feeling much relieved,  was greeted with outstreched arms from Casey and my Heavenly Father.  Since then, in the last hour or so i have felt inspired, and excited for all that await me and my small but all encompassing little family, as i regain my strength yet again, to grab the wheel and stear.

New skin vs old hat

"When will we be new skin"- incubus

  

A struggle i've been having on and off is one i guess of pride, but it could also be an identity chrisis.

I just got back from "auditioning" for the jazz band out here. i "auditioned" to play the drums.   

the drums... something i once was so consumed by and music in general.  some people thought i was good and i did too.... but only in yesteryears.  

  Other than 1 brief warm up yesterday,  it has been a full year since i had played the drums, and any hints of inspiration, creativity, passion, skill that i had once possesed on this particular instrument were now gone or out to lunch for the day.  Its completely unfair for me to beleive that my best now should be where it once was, but i could dream right?  so after i had played with other musicians on 1 chart (about 1/5th of the total audition) i told the professor on his suggestion i try another chart that " no thank you, but i humbly withdraw my audition."   now i hope that i didn't get spooked by the other drummers that were to me obviously well more ready for playing in front of others than me.  i hope i didn't get scared to play.  but for whatever reasons, i felt absolutely no comfort playing the drums.

  This blog isn't about my whoa s on the drums, its more a reflection to myself.

According to science, (or maybe i just made this up, but i'm pretty sure its science) The human body will completely cycle out all the old cells in the body to replace with all new cells.  its not an "all at once" kind of deal, but it takes something like 5 to 10 years.  So, if this is accurite, technically we all get renewed bodies every decade.  most people probably don't feel the change cause its so gradual, but i feel like i have gone through these changes, all at once, maybe 3 or four times in the last 5 years!

I seem to be picking up interests about every few years.  it started when i was a kid with soccer.  i played and played that sport.  i excelled, i was confident.  very confident.  then it was skateboarding.  again, i excelled and was confident.  then it was drums.  i built all my self confidence off of this interest.  it was what connected me to my friends, it gave me someplace to go when i was under dark heavy clouds of depression and withdrawl- and once i was on my feet again, it provided me with scholarships.

then i moved.  i found joy in playing and writing on the guitar, but i never had the same confidence and progression as i had on other interests.  i got married which is still amazing, i moved back to missouri, sold my drums, enrolled in pre med classes and now i'm looking to see what i posess here at this moment and junction in my life.   

           I really am at a point where i'm not seeing anything i'm good at.  I'm a brother and friend who doesn't keep in touch.  a drummer that can't play a tune.  an athlete that sweats runnin a mile,  a writer who can't spell or punctuate,  an artist who is not passionate,  an island thats lonely.

I guess i wish that i had some sort of label.  something i did so well that i wanted people everywhere to see or listen to me.  But i'm realizing that for so long i've held myself back for the sake of my titles.   for a long time i was a "drummer" so i didn't try guitar for years.  then once i did i was a "musician" and held myself back from drawing, painting, golf, basketball, etc.  I'm just now coming to terms that i'm not any other title than Man. and even further, a Son of God. Which is a title that enables me to do AANNYYTTHHIINNGG I wish to do,become, be anything, anyone, anyway i want to be!  

So through writing this i'm learning that i don't feel lost, sad, ignored or nothing.  I'm simply at a place where i can start growing my new skin.    But i'm still puzzeled with a question i had from the beginning.       

Is it true progressions if i'm learning things and forgetting things all at the same time?  It seems to me that to be smart, you have to remember the past and the lessons there, but also be teachable for today and tomorrow...  However, i've literally spent hundreds if not thousands of hours on intrests that i no longer feel passionate for, or my skill is gone.  so was the time i spent wasted in the breath of progression?

damnit all.  i have no answer for myself.  and i wish i wasn't so prone to base my self worth on accomplishments.

Anyways.  these are all questions i've asked myself before.  this is all mostly for me anyways, so i'm not gonna waste more time editing or proofreading this.  peace, i'm out!

-andy